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November 4th, 2009
11:58 am
I'm still in search of my light in the darkness of my world. I open my eyes wide but I see nothing. I grope and grope and touch nothing.
Where are you...light of my world?
What is my purpose on this earth? I know I'm destined to do something good with my life so that on my death bed, I can smile. I want to make a difference in this world.
Being laid off was such a blessing. I don't want to tell everyone that but it was. God has watched out for me, I thank Him for that and all He's given me. I feel free. I can re-examine my life once more.
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October 14th, 2009
10:01 am - Laid off
Well, just got laid off from my job. In a way, it's a blessing. I didn't enjoy my job at all. I felt chained because I couldn't quit due to the fact I'd have to pay back my signing bonus and relocation fees. Quite a bit of cheese.
But now, I'm free to do whatever I want. I also get severance which is a bit of money. I still can't break my lease because it's about $4k to break it and hell no, I'm not breaking it to move back to my parents. I can spend this time living here and trying to find a way to make money. I've always wanted to play poker so we'll see.
I woke up this morning and it was misty, wet and gloomy outside. I didn't feel that well. Guess it was a sign that something funny might happen today.
Good thing is I have plenty of savings. The question is, will I make the same mistake and waste it all away like I did in LA (just sitting in my room and looking for jobs) or will I take advantage of my newfound freedom to do something I want.
:)
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October 13th, 2009
11:11 am
I really want to light up one of my Camel Turkish Royals. I feel like shit now and I need a high. But I'm trying to resist because I don't want to be addicted. My legs are shaking hard now because I want one so bad to calm my nerves.
I need to start exercising again. Since my 24-hr-fitness membership was closed, I will have to use the apartment gym. I will start early tomorrow morning since there isn't anyone in the mornings. I might go this evening because well, it's better than me deriving a high from cigarettes. Better to get that high from exercising.
I'll find a career I'll love. I'll find that girl I'll love. I'll find my life that I'll love. One day. I know it.
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09:09 am
Everyday, a little bit of me dies inside. Went to my sister's wedding this past weekend, tried to look out for cute single girls but the few I had my eye on were all taken.
Isn't that always the case for me?
Girls I'm interested in are either:
1. In a relationship
2. Not interested in me
3. Live hours/a few states away
Sometimes I feel like giving up. For a few months I tried doing activities I don't normally do/enjoy but most of the girls I met there were...not my type.
Gotta keep on grinding. :(
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September 28th, 2009
12:50 pm - Tong Hua - Guang Liang (Michael Wong)
忘了有多久
wang le you duo jiu
I’ve forgotten how long it has been
再沒聽到你
zai mei ting dao ni
Since the last time I heard you
對我說你最愛的故事
dui wo shuo ni zui ai de gu shi
Tell me your favorite story
我想了很久
wo xiang le hen jiu
I have thought for a long time
我開始慌了
wo kai shi huang le
I start to panic
是不是我又做錯了什麼
shi bu shi wo you zuo cuo le shen me
Wondering if I have done something wrong again
你哭著對我說
ni ku zhe dui wo shuo
You told me as you cried
童話裡都是騙人的
tong hua li dou shi pian ren de
That everything in fairy tales are all lies
我不可能是你的王子
wo bu ken neng shi ni de wang zi
I couldn’t possibly be your prince.
也許你不會懂
ye xu ni bu hui dong
But perhaps you don’t understand either
從你說愛我以后
cong ni shuo ai wo yi hou
Ever since you told me you loved me
我的天空星星都亮了
wo de tian kong xing xing dou liang le
All the stars in my sky have brightened.
我願變成童話裡
wo yuan bian cheng tong hua li
I’m willing to become the one in the fairy tale
你愛的那個天使
ni ai de ne ge tian shi
The angel that you love
張開雙手
zhang kai shuang shou
I extend this pair of hands
變成翅膀守護你
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
and turn them into wings to protect you
你要相信
ni yao xiang xin
You must believe
相信我們會像童話故事裡
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
Believe we will be like we are in a fairy tale
幸福和快樂是結局
xing fu he kuai le shi jie ju
Where blessings and happiness is the ending
你哭著對我說
ni ku zhe dui wo shuo
You told me as you cried
童話裡都是騙人的
tong hua li dou shi pian ren de
That everything in fairy tales are all lies
我不可能是你的王子
wo bu ken neng shi ni de wang zi
I couldn’t possibly be your prince.
也許你不會懂
ye xu ni bu hui dong
But perhaps you don’t understand either
從你說愛我以后
cong ni shuo ai wo yi hou
Ever since you told me you loved me
我的天空星星都亮了
wo de tian kong xing xing dou liang le
All the stars in my sky have brightened.
我願變成童話裡
wo yuan bian cheng tong hua li
I’m willing to become the one in the fairy tale
你愛的那個天使
ni ai de ne ge tian shi
The angel that you love
張開雙手
zhang kai shuang shou
I extend this pair of hands
變成翅膀守護你
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
and turn them into wings to protect you
你要相信
ni yao xiang xin
You must believe
相信我們會像童話故事裡
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
Believe we will be like we are in a fairy tale
幸福和快樂是結局
xing fu he kuai le shi jie ju
Where blessings and happiness is the ending
我要變成童話裡
wo yao bian cheng tong hua li
I will to become the one in the fairy tale
你愛的那個天使
ni ai de ne ge tian shi
The angel that you love
張開雙手
zhang kai shuang shou
I extend this pair of hands
變成翅膀守護你
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
and turn them into wings to protect you
你要相信
ni yao xiang xin
You must believe
相信我們會像童話故事裡
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
Believe we will be like we are in a fairy tale
幸福和快樂是結局
xing fu he kuai le shi jie ju
Where blessings and happiness is the ending
我会變成童話裡
wo hui bian cheng tong hua li
I will to become the one in the fairy tale
你愛的那個天使
ni ai de ne ge tian shi
The angel that you love
張開雙手
zhang kai shuang shou
I extend this pair of hands
變成翅膀守護你
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
and turn them into wings to protect you
你要相信
ni yao xiang xin
You must believe
相信我們會像童話故事裡
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
Believe we will be like we are in a fairy tale
幸福和快樂是結局
xing fu he kuai le shi jie ju
Where blessings and happiness is the ending
一起寫我們的結局
yi qi xie wo me de jie ju
Together we can write our own ending
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September 25th, 2009
03:30 pm - Savants
I'm speechless when I read about the feats of savants. How do they do it? I cannot even begin to understand how their brain works. They are born with lots of disabilities, yet God decides to give them something supernatural, an ability that goes beyond human understanding.
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03:14 pm - A Good Will Hunting quote...
One of my favorite movie quotes...
Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.
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September 24th, 2009
11:24 pm - Madonna - Say Goodbye
Love this slow song.
Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Light are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]
Chorus:
I've always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart [breaking my heart]
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[Just make 'em smile the whole world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[One lonely star and you don't know who you are]
(chorus, repeat)
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
All the world is a stage [world is a stage]
And everyone has their part [has their part]
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
[You'd break, you'd break, you'd break]
You'd break my heart
I've always been in love with you
[I've always been in love with you]
Guess you've always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye
(chorus)
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Say good-bye
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September 9th, 2009
03:43 pm
It's so hard being an INTJ sometimes :(
Found a messageboard with INTJs. It helps to talk to ppl who understand you.
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September 4th, 2009
01:02 pm - AIDS Walk LA
I volunteered last year to photograph the AIDS walk in LA. I just discovered they used a bunch of my pictures in their gallery. I feel better knowing I wasn't that shitty a photographer I guess.
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August 31st, 2009
01:20 pm - I feel weak.
Whenever I get depressed, I get into a self-destructive mood. I start thinking about how to get some weed, or want to start smoking/drinking, or getting tattoos... I always tell myself to get over it, be strong, but sometimes... I just want to give in.
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August 28th, 2009
01:06 pm - The beauty and ugliness of human psychology
When something like this happens, you have to wonder, how does it affect a human psychologically. Is the damage repairable? Will the girl (and her kids) ever be able to return to a somewhat "normal" state? What will she be like 40-50 years from now.
Human psychology and behavior is mysterious, scary, and yet, fascinating.
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August 19th, 2009
03:50 pm
I love this song. It's by The Pixies.
"Where is My Mind"
Oh - stop
With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind [3x]
Way out in the water
See it swimmin'
I was swimmin' in the Caribbean
Animals were hiding behind the rocks
Except the little fish
But they told me, he swears
Tryin' to talk to me, coy koi.
Where is my mind [3x]
Way out in the water
See it swimmin' ?
With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind [3x]
Oh
With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Oh
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Oh
Oh
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08:11 am - Here it comes...
Mild depression is setting in once again. There's not much I have to live for these days... things I once loved to do, I'm slowly getting worse and worse, affecting my self-esteem. Work's so routine that I try my best to change my life outside of it but it's not going very well. I feel like ass every morning when I wake up. I am taking melatonin to go to sleep at night. Don't know if it's because I have to or because I want to dream vivid weird dreams.
I'm sitting here crying without tears. I don't want ppl to know about me inside because no one likes depressed ppl right? I'm having a hard time as it is trying to make friends here (not activity friends but real friends, the ones you go eat dinner with and hang out with at bars, trying to pick up chicks).
The one thing in my mind I keep thinking about is I don't want to be like that George Sodini guy. I don't want to sink to his level. I don't want my blog to sound creepy like his. But most human thoughts are so dark, I guess it all sounds "creepy".
I wish God will help me.
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August 12th, 2009
12:19 am
If Today Was Your Last Day lyrics
Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad;
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
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August 11th, 2009
08:23 am
I have big ambitions for myself. I want to do so many things in this world, yet I woke up this morning wondering if I had the stomach for it all. Some days I just feel helpless like that. I get into my routine of going to work, doing my routine duties, come back home, feel a bit lost because I'm not traversing a mountain or walking through the streets of an obscure Indian village. My dreams are a million miles away. I know I have to be patient because nothing is free in this world.
Doesn't help that I feel a bit lonely sometimes. Wondering if it was a mistake to break it off with Mai so early. Was my gut right? This is a classic case of gut vs logic.
I read the blog of the Penn shooter who had his frustrations with women. It was scary that someone would allow something like that to dictate his actions. A lot of guys have their fair share of struggles with women and I myself don't meet enough on a regular basis. I felt scared that I would be that guy. I don't want to be. I don't mean going to a gym and shooting ppl. I mean that I don't want to get to the point I want to end my life because of my frustrations. There's just so much more to life, so much to do, so much to live for.
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August 3rd, 2009
02:27 pm
Just reminders to myself.
In no order:
- Climb Everest, at least hit base camp
- Backpack the world
- Get a picture published in National Geographic magazine
- Skydive
- Cage dive with great white sharks
- Go on an African safari
- Trek the Sahara
- Climb Mount Kinabalu
- Dive in the Great Barrier Reef
- Love a woman deeply and unconditionally
- Watch Manchester United at Old Trafford (with dad)
- Watch all four tennis grand slams live
- Watch the World Cup live (with dad)
More to be added when I can remember or think of them.
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July 29th, 2009
09:18 am
You know what I've noticed? People are pussies. Everytime I read about people wanting to relocate to another city, the threads always start with "My fiancee and I" or "My wife and I" or "My husband and I"... are there no brave souls out there who will relocate without a partner?
I'm not saying ppl with partners should leave their partners and move alone. I'm talking about single people.
People are too scared of undertaking things alone. Too afraid to eat dinner alone in a restaurant they've always wanted to try but were too afraid of what others might think if they went alone. Too afraid to watch movies alone. Generally too afraid to show up alone anywhere. Pussies.
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July 20th, 2009
11:22 am
Been a while since I last posted.
I've been dating a girl lately. Her name's Mai. I met her via my buddy's aunt (who was incessantly trying to hook me up initially with her god daughter). Got her number, called her up later. Met for a date, went on a second one. Both times, I felt a bit lost on what to do. I was winging it a lot of times, nerve-wrecked but cool/confident at the same time.
But I'm not so sure if I truly want to be with this girl. I think I'm still dating here mostly to test out my dating skills and to acquire more experience until someone better comes along. It's unfair to her, I know. But considering my dating pool if minimal to non-existent, I feel like I have to do this. It's not like I dislike this girl. It's just that I know she isn't right for me for a relationship.
I've also been trying to explore a couple of things about myself : fear of commitment, fear of abandonment... who knows what else I have buried deep inside of me. I hate analyzing myself, yet I do it because I want to understand why I am the way I am. I've always been interested in human psychology. Why do we do the things we do? What has the past done to mould us into who we are today?
Work's mundane and routine. I need excitement in my life but what? I can't really think of many things that make me happy these days.
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